When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
