you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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