I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
