May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize