I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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