New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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