Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am mentally ready for anal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize