i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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