I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am available for nakedness
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
