god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
