I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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