The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
