I haven't been this sober since birth.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
