It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
His hands were made for my vagina.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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