just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
