My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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