I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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