At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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