Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
