Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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