I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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