K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
