Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
