Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize