one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
