I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
