I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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