can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
