How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize