did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
