my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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