Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
