a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
