By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
