you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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