My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
