Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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