when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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