Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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