I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
