i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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