I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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