she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
