my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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