I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I faked an abortion last night.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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