I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
