He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
