Her vagina should come with caution tape.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
