is your mom at the bar?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
