I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
