She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
