The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
