My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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