I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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