if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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