Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize