I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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