The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I want to fling myself into the sun
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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