Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
