wake up i wanna do it froggy style
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize