at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
