smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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