i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize