so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
