a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize