I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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