I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So vagazzling was a success
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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