just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
